| | There’s a long list of
questions I have that if a student asks I will not answer directly. For
example, if a student was to ask, “do you think Chinese women are beautiful?” I
would respond with a cagey, “there are beautiful women in every country” and
thus answer the question while ducking the questioner’s intent. I’ve gotten
pretty good at not painting myself into a corner; I always leave myself a way
out. I don’t want to look stupid, and I really don’t want to offend any of my
students by giving an insensitive answer. So I’ll answer the question without
really answering the question. For those of you who knew me at Calvin or know
the metaphor, I have been practicing, and I can now use the BS cannon with
amazing surgical precision.
There’s also a short list of really hard questions that I
don’t like to think about. These questions are primarily focused on who I am,
and I am afraid that if I answer them I’ll be forced to make big changes that I
won’t enjoy. Also, I am afraid that I
might not be able to answer some of these questions, and the lack of an answer
would be worse than a life-changing answer. The questions are mental acid, so I
keep them quarantined in the back of my mind. I try to keep myself distracted
so that I won’t have the time to deal with them. Sometimes, when it’s late and
I feel a little guilty, depressed, and in need of a change, I might reach deep,
pull out one of the questions, and then spend a few minutes lightly contemplating
it. I usually have a sketch pad or a notebook to doodle on while I think about
these questions; it seems to help me put my thoughts in order.
Over this break from teaching I’ve been filled with a
desire to change, to reinvent myself. I think if I am able to deal with these
questions I’ll be a different person. I’m a writer at heart, and I think I’m
going to type out most of what I think rather than write and doodle.
In
the past two weeks all of the questions I have locked away have been brought up
in one-on-one conversations (face-to-face, over Skype, through email, and on
the phone) with friends, fellow teachers and family. I know that other people
are struggling with these questions as well. Most of these questions are
personal, (and I guarantee that my answers will be personal) but three years of
teaching in China
has managed to completely remove my sense of shame and privacy. Now that I have explained what I am going to do, it’s
time for the disclaimer. With one or two exceptions, this blog has been about
sharing “China
war stories” with my friends and family back home. Now, it’ll still be about
that, but I’ll be adding the occasional personal growth post. Before I tried to
keep this blog like marshmallow fluff, but I’m going to forgo that rule
starting now. It could get messy and dark and depressing in here; please don’t
freak out. I’ll post the first Q&A tomorrow.
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| | Posted 2/23/2007 10:21 PM - 80 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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